“So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

I thought you knew that God couldn’t be pinned down. You’ve said so many times that his nature is incomprehensible. Why do you tell me we can’t know the concrete truth, but then, with the same tongue and absolute certainty, tell me I’m wrong? There is no absolute truth. I know you think that’s a logical fallacy. But you ignore every logical fallacy I bring to your attention, and you know why, don’t you? You know it’s because there is no absolute reality. You know that, because even the color red changes from human to human. Even eyesight, depth perception, hearing. I’m deaf in my left ear. I can’t hear the birds chirping in the morning. My best friend is schizophrenic. She texted me the other night about the way the voices seemed different than they usually do — they were alarming when usually they’re calm. How come you hate vanilla ice cream when I love it? How come I care so much about hell when you don’t? How come I’m wrong when I say that truth is relative?

Vanilla ice cream is delicious. There is no absolute truth.

Everything about life is subjective. That is the nature of reality and the beauty of it, too. God will not damn me to hell because he did not reveal the same truth to me that he did to you. God is Abba, Father, Mother, Protector of his/her children in life and in death. He knows where our differences lie. He knows that fear will never be solid ground for my faith, even if it is for you. We aren’t the same.

You know that God is the God of second chances. You know the parable of the Farmer and his workers. He hired men to tend his vineyard, and they worked all day starting in the morning. When afternoon came, he found more men waiting for work, and when he asked them why they were waiting, they said nobody had hired them. So he hired them, and they worked until the end of the day. When the Farmer paid all of the workers the same, the ones who had worked from morning complained. “‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’ But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you.'”
(Matthew 20)

God is in control. He will save some of us now and some of us at the mouth of Death. We will never be penalized for waiting.

I’m waiting for God. All of the faithless are waiting. We cannot be cast into hell for the knowledge that is withheld from us.

The road to truth is dim and slippery and every human being is given a separate route.

what I know

I don’t know a lot of things, like

whether Jesus really existed or whether Christianity is the only true religion or whether

I really ever believed in God or whether

he will let me go

 

but I know that I prayed

for my grandfather’s salvation for my entire life

and I know that he got cancer

and shot himself earlier this year

 

I know that people existed

before Christianity, and

when you ask a Christian where those people are going

they’ll tell you it’s in God’s hands and that he is a righteous judge

 

I know that the worth of a Christian

is nothing more or less than the worth of anyone else

but, somehow, they are worthy of eternal bliss

and everyone else is damned

 

I know I stayed up all night on my knees asking for answers

asking God why my friends would suffer and I would not

asking why Jesus bled and died but there are still more people going to hell

than every star in the celestial sphere

 

I know that I will never be able to have children

for fear that my inability to know all answers

could damn them to hell, because

apparently

God only

saves some of us.

Disquietude

Genesis 1:2

“And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.”

 

tell me what went through the mind of God

when he sparked the flames underfoot and

spread a film of damnation

over our existence

tell me why I have to remember

eternal destruction

is waiting for me

every time I watch raindrops square dance

across the pavement

tell me why when I love to be alive

I only break down again because

the day of judgment awaits me on the other side

 

and I was born

only to die in premonition —

acknowledgment of

how real, how dark

all of this is