Non-Destruction

I don’t know how

to be so happy

 

all I can think

is lying down with Rachel curled against my back

Rebecca’s hair over my face

delicate breath against my skin

Miriam talking to me, fingers between mine, her voice

making vibrations through her body

all the way across to me

and Kira’s laugh shot sparkles

through my body in jagged lines

that I could never trace out on my own

oh, I wish I could inject myself

with Jenny’s unmatched enthusiasm

over animated swimming boys

 

if we were unspeakably insignificant, it was okay

because the grass cut into our feet

tiny pricks through the hard shell

we’re forced to develop back here

if we were condemned

to fall through the cracks of eternity

it was okay

because we called Chouinard home

and the people I live with here

aren’t my family anymore

 

it was okay there

because we were vaulted up past heaven’s gates

dodged the arms of God to find our souls

in the arms of each other

 

it was okay to die

because Marie wrote enough about stars

to make up for all our existential crises

Jesus, Marie, I would drink the blood

out of the fibers in your eyes

where it was settled

when you’d open your door

 

I wish I could live in the ledge

between my words and where I was

what I say can’t add up to what I felt

I want to sleep in that overlap

until our universe explodes

and CSSSA is spelled out perfectly in the dust

where destruction could not reach

and we can be together again

where we came from before

 

oh, you are my bits of heaven

I stole you off God’s grocery cart

I want to be with you again.

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CSSSA

I’m gonna be writing a lot about something called CSSSA. Since nobody knows about this blog, I’m gonna use the real names of people I met there (and people I meet now, and people I already know).

CSSSA is the abbreviation for California State Summer School for the Arts. I’m a junior in high school. This summer, I attended a summer program at the California Institute of the Arts (CalArts) — that’s what CSSSA is. I was in the Creative Writing Department. I was there for a month, and I do not exaggerate when I say it was the best month of my entire life.

Anyway, from here on out, I’ll tag my CSSSA posts so you’ll know which ones they are.

Thanks for reading!