Today I thought a lot about the way I used to text Sicah throughout the day, tell her about whatever was happening. We told each other about everything we did, unless it would make the other hurt. It was nice sometimes, but I don’t think it was healthy.
I know now I can keep me to myself. I can keep secrets. I can see someone hot in public and not tell anyone about it. It doesn’t matter whether I’m alone. I’m okay alone. I’m amazing and I don’t need Sicah to see that.
The world is a different kind of beautiful when I keep quiet. The colors somehow look different. Purity and potential. Writing notes in the corners of my mind to save for later, for myself, for only myself. Smiling for an hour straight because I’m going to meet John Barrowman, and Sicah doesn’t even know about that.
Azaria said Sicah was unstable and that fucked me up. I can’t be affirming myself through the eyes of a schizophrenic sociopath. That’s not all Sicah was; she was better than that, but somehow the bad side of a person can outweigh the good when a relationship gets to the point ours did. We were too comfortable with each other, shared too much, trusted too much, and we were so fundamentally different that I couldn’t take it two weeks into CSSSA. I couldn’t take it when I began to realize who I was, who I am. Personal revelations shouldn’t be shared with anyone else, not immediately, not as they happen.
Cole said Sicah misses me. That’s why I’m thinking about this. If I talked to her, she would be glad. It’s been about three months since we talked at all, and that’s a lifetime for best friends — especially for me. I’m fucking different than she knew. I can’t talk to her again. I can’t be so reliant on someone else. I have to live for myself. I have to.
And then maybe, another couple of lifetimes from now, I’ll talk to Sicah again. So long as she doesn’t off herself when she graduates, like she told me she wanted to. I’ll come back if she survives. To spare myself, I shouldn’t love someone so hard and close if they’re going to tell me things like that.